Two Dogs Flurking

Celebrity Twitters, Pt. X

2009-05-06T16:51:00.001-04:00

HARPO&Stead feels like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight!

Celebrity Twitters, Pt. IX

2009-05-06T16:10:00.003-04:00

Brett#4 - You tell GB I'm coming, and I'm bring hell with me...huh...what do you mean GB doesn't care.

Celebrity Twitters, Pt. VIII

2009-05-05T11:04:00.002-04:00

Stallone-d'Italiano is on the prowl. Look out, ladies 17-25 years of age, papa Silvio's gonna rock you.

What everyone should be eating for lunch!

2009-05-05T10:22:00.008-04:00

From Johnny Liberty, two-time Competitive Flexing Champion comes ...

Johnny Liberty's Power Tofu!

All the nutrients of 50 dead cows, with none of the blood on your hands!

So don't murder cows, murder your taste buds, with Johnny Liberty's Power Tofu!

"Johnny Liberty's Power Tofu--it's the tofu with my guns on it!"

(Commercial available soon from the Lakewood Manor Players - warning, site makes noise)

The coolest lunch haiku website that the kids are twittering about, right now!

2009-05-04T17:13:00.000-04:00

Dave's Lunch
The Ultimate High!

Funny Idea Archive, Entry 1

2009-04-13T10:42:00.002-04:00

An Elderly Person Petting Zoo

Imagine a lovely barn setting (hay, rough hewn wooden fencing, red barn) and yapping around the yard are stationary elderly. They're wearing barnyard animal costume pieces (rabbit ears headband, rooster's comb, cow udders) and you pet them! Children young and old will delight at their various noises and docile manner (muzzle to prevent biting and shock collars to prevent ill-tempered behavior). To entice affectionate response, feed stations are located throughout the area (liver and onion flavored pellets, mashed potatoes) for a nominal fee. Maybe an oldy will even let you ride 'em!

Celebrity Twitter VII

2009-04-03T13:37:00.001-04:00

MoBaMa4Three! - Sarcozi got sum hairy ballz!

Confidential Batch Formulation of Pediayum TM Daily Formula

2009-04-03T10:31:00.003-04:00

2DF received an electronic file from an inside source which describes the proper formulation of a popular infant formula. With the latest report from the CDC that unsafe chemicals are found in many brands of formula, we combed the document we received for insight into the hidden dangers of our children's feed. Below are selected quotes from the document that may shock you.

Title: Formulation of Bulk Pediayum Daily Formula

Purpose: The purpose of this document is to detail the process of formulating Pediayum Daily Formula bulk. The bulk is the source material for production of Pediayum Happy Sunshine, Pediayum Nighttime Comfort, Bochinsky Gravi-Forma, A-10 Discount Milk, Smiley Tots Brand milk, and Scono Brands Milk Sucks.

References and Associated Documents: the most disturbing of the associated documents (not reviewed) are listed.

D-421113-18A Source Cleansing of Milk By-Products Through Creative Measures
D-458301-01B Operation of a Peristaltic Bovine Nipple Reactor
D-458301-05A Methodology of Food-Safe Toxins
D-458305-01A Uses of Goat Saliva
D-500010-01C Use, Maintenance and Calibration of Adjustable Viscosity for use in Formula, Glue and Durable Inflation Product Production

Culled through the Materials and Methodology sections, we've pieced together the list of ingredients for the source material. Many of the ingredients were foreign to us and we denoted these with (?). Items that we could identify as hazardous or suspects are listed with (!).

Whole Daily Milk, Astringent Dairy Cull (?), Bovine Nip-UTTer (?), anti-g saliva, perfunctory water, Whole Creme Cream, Tris Perhydrostankonia, Natural Herbs and Berries, Horsehide, Magnesium Hydroxide Mumia, Gummyberry Juice, Milk Bone, Grapeseed extract, Dermatobia hominis, bifidobacterium infantile poopjoke (!), Coconut flakes, Filtered Water, Asspartymine (!?), caseen, reduced minerals, funk, Shingella (!), Arseolys Maximus (?), snoozeberry, ethano-bridged noradamantane (bastardane)(?), partial minerals, munchnomes, Jared Leto, gelatin, cyclemate (!), perchlorate (!), poly-this-shit-will-cause-cancer-ite (!), organic oats.

Celebrity Twitters, Pt. VII

2009-04-02T17:38:00.005-04:00

TheRealQEII: @MoBaMaWhoo - guess u forgot u follow me here. btw, tx a bunch 4 the iPod. What a thoughtful gift. [/sarcasm]

Celebrity Twitter, part VI

2009-04-02T15:57:00.001-04:00

MoBaMaWhoo: Buck palace phenomenal but Q smells like poi.

It's Nat'l Poetry Month!

2009-04-02T09:01:00.003-04:00

Ah, National Poetry Month ... the month where we pretend to care about poetry for approximately three days before forgetting about it entirely for the next 362 (363 during leap years).

That said, here's a poem by the only poet I remotely care about, Philip Larkin:

Breadfruit

Boys dream of native girls who bring breadfruit,
Whatever they are,
As bribes to teach them how to execute
Sixteen sexual positions on the sand;
This makes them join (the boys) the tennis club,
Jive at the Mecca, use deodorants, and
On Saturdays squire ex-schoolgirls to the pub
By private car.

Such uncorrected visions end in church
Or registrar:
A mortgaged semi- with a silver birch;
Nippers; the widowed mum; having to scheme
With money; illness; age. So absolute
Maturity falls, when old men sit and dream
Of naked native girls who bring breadfruit
Whatever they are.

I think it's about doing it.

Job Search - Robert Powell Edition

2009-04-01T15:12:00.003-04:00

Officer Robert Powell will be looking for a new job after he resigned from the Dallas police department. What can he do now? 2DF has some suggestions:

A by-the-book cross walk guard: "Listen, you little 4th grade punks, I can send you to detention, I can screw you over."
A power crazed toll booth attendant: "I don't care if you have a twenty, it says exact change. I will tow your car."
A ferry man for the dead: "Your attitude sucks, right now, and I'm not letting you on this boat until you show some respect."
An executive for a failing bank: "I don't care what's going on right now, I've got the biggest dick in the room and I can prove it!"

Got better ones? Write 'em up and win a pdf copy of the hit bestseller "Rant to a Thinner You," by Rush Limbaugh. Contest ends May 2, 2009.

Celebrity Twitters, Pt. V

2009-03-31T14:29:00.004-04:00

Meghan McCain is OMG @ Rep Shock's Abs on TMZ. http://tinyurl.com/dmnkks Soooooo kewt, so going to be Prez unlike twiggy bitch Ann Cuntler!

Celebrity Twitter IV

2009-03-31T14:17:00.001-04:00

BadNewz_Falcon_7: Looking forward to getting that 10 millionz from the Broncos!

A story about 2 Dogs Flurking.

2009-03-31T13:44:00.001-04:00

Here's something funny: My parents used to have a male Bischon, which is a kinda-gay little dog. His name was Barkley. My grandmother had a female miniature poodle, which is a slight bit gayer. Her name was Nikki. The dog, not my grandmother. Having a grandmother named Nikki would be like having a stripper pole at an old folks' home.

Anyway, the gayest thing about all this was that, whenever the two dogs would get together, Nikki would hump Barkley's head. And Barkley just sat there and took it.

Dogs. They're funny.

Celebrity Twitters, Pt. III

2009-03-31T13:41:00.004-04:00

Wes Welker @Tom_Brady_no12: I'm watching you nail Giselle. You look bored. I'll be over with Madden and chips.

Celebtrity Twitters, Pt. II

2009-03-31T13:40:00.002-04:00

Ed Begley, Jr. is typing this using a recycled Apple IIc I converted to run on droplets of my blood.

Celebrity Twitters, Pt I

2009-03-31T13:38:00.004-04:00

Tom Brady is nailing a supermodel. Ho Hum. Wonder what Welker's doing.

Sports Round House

2009-03-31T11:39:00.003-04:00

wherein PopStartled gives you the insight into your favorite mainstream American sports.

The Final Four: Can you believe the teams that made it to the final four? I mean, we all expected UConn and UNC to make it there, but come on, there can't be many brackets out there that had Northwest Hampden State coming out of the West Central region. More surprisingly, no one saw the run that the Hairshirts of Jerry's Subs store #1082 would romp through the Mid-East regional. I think the H-irts (pronounced "hurts") are going to give the Tarheels a tough game, primarily if PF Antwoyne Brovalone can continue to dominate. Brovalone (pictured to the right in the yellow jersey) is averaging 21.8 points per game and an eye-popping 17 steals a game. While talking about their chances, UNC coach Roy Williams said, "quite frankly, I'm scared [expletive]-less! They can run you up and down the court and make you look about as foolish as Charles Barkley's golf swing. I don't know if there's a better player right now than Brovalone. He's the complete package and he's doing it all in 2-D."

NFL Draft Preview, Part 1: Who are the Lions going to take with the number one pick? The commonly heard joke is that they'll go with receiver Michael Crabtree, continuing one of the worst string of first-round picks in the history of modern professional sports. That's not going to happen with new G.M. Martin Mayhew. So, will it be a franchise left tackle? A new quarterback of the future? Well, we've run the simulator (Madden Football 2009) and the Lions will be taking New Player, a 21 year old RB/KR/P/K who's rated 99 according to Elias Scouting. Tony Bruno, on his in-game radio show, called the pick "exciting!" One of the best things about Player, out of Alcorn State, is his true love of the game, excelling at all aspects of the game. "I've never seen a guy who's 99 in all facets of the game! He can block! He can throw! He can punt it forever! This guy is the surest thing since Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl!"

Spring Training: A bunch of guys ran around.

Hockey: I know it's been said before, but I think the best player in the NHL is Mike Iggulden. 'Nuff Said!